"Now son,
you don't want to drink beer. That's forDaddies, and kids with
fake IDs."
"Marge,
it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."
"You couldn't
fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had
an electrified fooling machine."
"Marge,
don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important
to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the
weasel."
"If you
really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet,
they're about to announce the lottery numbers."
"To alcohol!
The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!"
"I saw
this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping
its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode!
I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'"
"I want
to share something with you - three sentences that will get you
through life: Number one, 'Cover for me.' Number two, 'Oh, good
idea, boss.' Number three, 'It was like that when I got here.'"
"Marge,
you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."
"Step aside
everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby,
Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"
"Don't
let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time.
Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good
night."
"Son, when
you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or
lose: it's how drunk you get."
"Lisa,
if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every
day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."
"We live
in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those
Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin',
didyou?"
"Television
- teacher, mother, secret lover!"
"Maybe,
just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're
making a scene.'"
"Stealing!
How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who
gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name"
